Simon’s Ultimate Thames Boat 007 ‘Spy Experience’

The strength to dream was bump-started nearly 11 months ago by Simon (5th September 2023 when the Geezers visited The Tower of London to be precise). When he saw Excalibur moored alongside a sizeable fleet of similar beasts on the pontoon at Tower Millennium Pier.

Excalibur was the actual Rigid Inflatable Boat (RIB) used by James Bond in the 007 film Sceptre.

Simon’s dream became a reality on the most perfect sunny day on Tuesday 30th July 2024 as 12 of us (10 Geezers plus Linda and Caroline) were welcomed aboard an identical rib to Excalibur for a package carefully selected for us by Eddie: ‘The Spy Experience’.

In the many months run up to this explosive excursion expectations positively whinnied with sweet anticipations “What could possibly go wrong?” “A bundle of ageing geezers aboard a hydroplaning rubber missile propelled by 2 Yanmar jet engines producing 740 horsepower for maximum V8 twin-turbo thrust!”.

The not even flat-out fast cruising speed for the jaunt is 35 knots (40 mph) through the water. Add another 5 mph to that for the long down river stretch of the river with no speed restrictions and the extra-added oomph under the boat from the ebb tide….over the ground we were to expect speeds of up to 45 mph. Sailors – I am one – can disparagingly refer to
these craft as “Stink Boats” but you can’t detox the pure intoxication speed on the water gives you. Okay, I’ll put my hand up: speed under sail, for me, is double the hit…but I digress.

Anyway, with such power on the transom, both London’s first hospital, St Thomas’s Hospital, and Guy’s Hospital would always be in easy reach in no time at all should the avocado dip hit the flywheel.

No need. Sun, not a cloud in the blue sky. Nothing went wrong. How could it? It was pure magic from start to finish.

Upriver first from Tower Pier on Upper Thames we headed sedately to obey speed restrictions – an ideal time for an informative top line commentary on the famous landmarks we passed – via King’s Reach to the tip of Lambeth Reach just beyond Westminster Bridge, Big Ben and The Houses of Parliament. And there it was….MI6 just in view.

Swooshing gently on back the way down river towards the O2 Arena, the peak of our passage before returning to Tower Pier, we swivelled our heads to port then starboard to take in the sights of London, craning upwards under no less than 10 bridges as we drew level with where we started just before Tower Bridge and then…..

Wallop! The beast roared its twin engines into life as if on a mission to thump sweet Thames, for running far too softly, into submission as Monty Norman’s and James
Barry’s 007 film theme music (composed for Dr No in 1962) blasted out as we were by now ourselves being seemingly hurled into the biggest, fastest and loudest mission of our lives.

As we sped out of the Upper Pool with Bermondsey to our starboard and Wapping to port, the monster-monster- monster achieved the occasional effortless buffety-bang-bang-smashings over the water as we raced along with the helm being eased this way then that, keeling us to starboard then port as we crisscrossed our own freshly prepared wakes thundering along towards Lower Pool.

By now Shadwell was to port, Rotherhithe to starboard as Queen’s “We Will Rock You” blared out of the heavily reinforced subwoofers giving maximum additional grunt to the sound system as we thunder-crunched through Lower Pool experiencing the biggest buffety-bang-bangs yet to test the seemingly indestructible rigid hydroplaning hull tailor-made to strut and jive its stuff as we listened to…this ideally calibrated….stuff.

No swimming is permitted in The Thames. Yes, we were wearing life jackets and, even though we weren’t strapped in, at no time did I, or I believe anyone else, feel unsafe. The inflatable aspect of RIBS gives added flex to heavy seas – the Thames ran idyllically smooth for us – that a solid hard-hulled vessel doesn’t have. Nutty millionaire ‘Playboys’, with far too much money to burn, have raced top end speed boats with broken ankles caused from
crashing down on to big waves at speeds well over 100 mph.

As we safely hurried on towards Limehouse Reach with Shadwell, Stepney and then Limehouse to port, Thames Tunnel Mills, Clarence Wharf, Surrey Basin, Rotherhithe, Cuckold’s Point, Nelson Dock Pier and Dockyard to starboard, we got Neil Diamond’s “Sweet Caroline” at full belt.

Incidentally, at this point (I discovered later), Caroline was learning to adapt to the buffety-bang-bangs by bending her legs enough to provide extra suspension to protect her lower back. People adapt well to the controlled buffeting offered by this, reasonably coined (yet not inexpensive), ultimate boat experience.

Again, speed on the water in my experience is infinitely more intoxicating than on four or two wheels. As Alan mentioned as we neared The Ledger Building to debrief this adrenalin rush, on many craft we are closer to the water than we are to the road in most vehicles.

We continued to scream along with many smiles inspired by the sheer exhilaration of being out and about in the elements, seeing big chunks of London on a stunningly beautiful day and in a way – the endless myriad of unusual vantage points – most of us seldom do. The engines roared but they didn’t whine mad-loud: they had plenty more to give but, sure be ‘nough-stuff, it was plenty enough.

We skirted round Milwall but Barrie didn’t nudge me, me neither him; it was gone in a flash as they squeezed the throttle just a tad more on Greenwich Reach with The Isle of Dogs and Cubitt Town on our left, Deptford then Greenwich to our right. Twice I’ve communed with our maritime history and explored reversions to purist sailing techniques at Greenwich this year. I’m too easily seduced by boats; they’re an Achilles’ heel. Intriguingly, we’re not supposed
to refer to them as she but, supposedly, it these days. Humbug, mine’s called Felix and he’s definitely a boy.

The final blast on this ebbing tide towards our destination, parallel to the O2 Arena, was along Blackwell Reach towards Blackwall’s North and South tunnels, West India Dock, Canary Wharf, Heron Quays, Millwall’s Inner and Outer Dock with Bay, Bethels and Delta Wharf(s) on the O2 side of the river.

Not so long ago the Thames was the equivalent of the M25. It’s a fascinating pleasure to ride upon its, nowadays, quite empty Reaches and to let your imagination wander and
wonder about it. I will sail, quite slowly and sedately, on it someday soon. Imagine the M25 with very little traffic on it?

McCartney’s “Live and Let Die” accompanied us for yet bundles more of fantastically dramatic high-speed turns and swivellings as the superbly helmed beast thrust us back homewards upriver to Tower Pier. Drawing level with Newcastle Draw Dock, Bon Jovi’s “Livin’ on a Prayer”
told us ’Tommy used to work on the docks”.

By now, the ebb tide was mildly stronger; irrelevant with such powerful grunt to punch us against a kindly river- state on such an idyllic day but if you pick a day with a
strong wind against tide situation, I expect they would temper the throttle to pay full respect to Mother Nature.

Re Mother Nature, the official energy partner of the Louis Vuitton 37th Americas Cup (ACCIONA Energia) to be held in Barcelona later this month are providing hydrogen-
powered foiling chase boats , which will be powered by green hydrogen for the first time in the competition’s history. The America’s Cup is the oldest cup in sporting history. It’s all high-end technology with no expense spared. As this technology evolves into being more widely
affordable, Mother Nature as much as sanctimonious purists sailors will be thankful if we can one day switch to hydrogen-powered foiling boats for an ultimate boat experience on the wonderful river Thames.

Thank you, Simon, for suggesting this treat and thank you, Eddie, as usual, for sorting what was a fun-filled, smashing ride followed by a celebratory gathering of us all – fully-
seduced-thrill-seekers – at The Ledger Building.

(Sounds: the right tracks were played but not necessarily in the right order).